Welcome to the Cynical View

The new Welcome v. 2.00 (sticky – normals posts are below)

Welcome to the Cynical View. I am Octarin. Please always be aware of my creed:

“Deciding to avoid other people does not necessarily equate with having no desire whatsoever for company. It may simply reflect a dissatisfaction with what or who is available. Cynics are, in the end, only idealists with awkwardly high standards.” ~ Alain de Botton.

This is me, in here, and I am a depressive person, I swear lots, and I make multi-lingual posts. If you don’t like what you read, that’s your problem really, not mine. If you do, stick around, I have been told I have a flair for writing. I touch several subjects, as they come up, but this is mainly a personal blog. So, grab a cuppa, and join me.

School’s summer celebration

Contrary to appearances, I do tend to be happy at times. Today is one of those times. We had Gabriel’s summer celebration. And something wholly unexpected and totally wonderful happened. Which I won’t relate, cause I might jinx it in the process. All I’ll say is, today is a happy day. My partner made me fly to the skies and I am happy. I doubt he even knows how happy he’s made me, but I don’t care. No, nobody’s proposed anything to anybody. I’d be screaming that to the mountains had it happened. As the case is, it was an initiative of his that caught me off-guard what has made my day.

As far as the celebration itself, it felt nice not being alone in there… it felt nice having my man next to me holding my hand. I guess I need to cherish that moment, as much as I can, seeing as it might never happen again. And Gabriel had a daddy for at least this once. It might be a beginning. Or it might be just as good as it gets. Who knows… only time will tell. But for today, it’s real.

Oh, and, Gabriel was great Naturally.

Brief update – 20/5

A very very brief update for various people who, after I shut my Facebook account down, have no other way to get news, and ask. Firstly, thanks heaps for asking, everybody. Secondly, I’ve got practically nothing new to write about. My life is as it was, I’m still unemployed, albeit in a bit worse condition than before, summer is trying to set in and I’m not looking forward to the heat, I have decided to start running come Monday, Gabriel is going to speech-therapy etc, cause he’s running the risk of missing a year come next September, there’s a political turmoil over here, which will peak before the 17th of June when’s the elections re-run, the usual stuff.

I am indeed alot calmer, not in the knowledge of things, but in the handling of them, the pathogenic part has disappeared and now I can cope alot better. But as I said, not that anything has changed. I’m still with the same man, I still have the same feelings towards him, I reckon he still lacks in having any equivalent towards me, and I wish he’d make up his god damn mind, cause every time I manage to bring myself to the state of accepting the fact, and settling my mind and heart that this is as good as it gets, he goes and does some stupid spazzy thing and leaves me wondering again if he’s pulling my leg or what. And then he says some shitty inconsiderate thing, and leaves me miserable. Overall, it’s the same as it used to be. But maybe I’ve changed a tad though. I’m coming to terms with things, or at least, I think I am, only the Gods know how I’d react if any of the things I think I’m coming to terms with actually happened, but well, at least now I don’t panic just by considering some things. I still cry and I still get the Pangs of Ultimate Unfairness sometimes, but I suspect I’ll be getting these for the rest of my days, so I’d better get used to them…

One of them things I’m starting to come to terms with is that I’m not really cut out for all that togetherness/happiness lark. I think my fate is to go it alone, and die alone, and maybe make a wish to get some better lot next life round. One of them people what give the lot, never expect the lot, never get what they deserve. No, it’s OK, don’t start with telling me I don’t know the future and so forth, the past speaks heaps regarding how the future will be. I am the one fated to want to hold the other person’s hand, to feel the need for a hug, for love, for warmth. So, that’s the role Mother Nature put me in, no use denying it. And people like me attract, well, the opposites, as is the rule. Not that my mate is a bad man, no, he’s a good man, could even say great man in some things. I just don’t think that “great” would be something he’d describe me as, is all. I’m the one to think the other person’s great, and intelligent and that I’m proud of them, not the other way round. So, I’m gonna go this alone, where it matters, sex isn’t what matters most. Who knows mates, who knows… like Del Boy says “he who dares wins”, and I’ve never been one to shun risks. Maybe I shoulda shunned some actually… I’ve come to experience a completely Christian sense of Sin and Guilt, and that speaks heaps as well. When you reach the point of considering that wishing the man you love to stay with you and be with you for good and love you is a Sin, when you get to that point of asking God for forgiveness for asking that much, well then, it’s all a goner innit? Burnt card, lost game. I ain’t cut out for this thing, fullstop. Yeah I love the bastard, but believe me I’d leave if it came to it. That’s not it. It’s the feeling inside, that I just ain’t Destined to be “together”, doncherknow? I ain’t destined to be loved as much as it takes to make the same sacrifices I’ve made in my life, as much as it takes to ache inside and shed a tear. I ain’t Destined to be important to someone. And no, don’t start with the “I’ve got my son” bit, either. It ain’t the same. To be frank, I might as well give up really, what’s the point? I can see it ain’t gonna happen, so why bother anyway? Ah, well. Chin up, and so forth.

Being reminded of Ian Curtis.

Existence. Well, what does it matter?

I exist on the best terms I can.

The past is now part of my present.

The future is well out of hand.

Later all. Be well, take care.

Face No More, part 2 – controlling Facebook

It’s been 4 days now since I deactivated my Facebook account. Yesterday and the day before, a few people called to ask why did I kick them off my list. So I decided I’d log into it one last time to send a message to some people on where to contact me. The conclusion: I got stressed, almost immediately, and I got paranoid about wanting to see what my partner had been doing since I left. I then knew, this was the best decision I’ve made in recent years. Frankly, I couldn’t care less what he does, so long as A) he’s good and clean upfront with me, and B) well, that’s it, it all goes back to A really, if he’s honest in our own dealings and respectful and mindful of my feelings and my wishes then I don’t care, I shouldn’t care and it’s none of my god-damn business.

And the thing is, last night we had one of those incredible-botch moments, when he just opens his mouth and frogs start leaping out, exactly at the most importune moment. So, when I’m kissing you in bed, for example, it’s the most unfortunate moment to be judgemental, and so forth. Anyway, I got pissed off, thought about that it does all sort of point towards there being another woman in his life, what with the sudden spaz about his weight, and now this, but I decided against it. That’s a big step for me. And I think my disassociation with that lifedrain-in-disguise is the key factor here. Had I still been egged on by the paranoia this thing ignited in me, I wouldn’t be even considering that it might not be the case at all, and even if it is, until he owns up, our relationship status-quo remains. Had I still been on Facebook I would now be a miserable stalker, trying to gleam shreds and glimpses of delusions. I’m better than this. I know I am. And this isn’t trying to convince myself, not at all, this is trying to imprint in my mind the immense damage Facebook has done to me over the years. So much so, that I now wonder if several psychological symptoms I’ve been exhibiting weren’t directly related to it.

The point is this: do not give Facebook to a control freak. People who wish to control and manipulate and be on top of everything in their lives, will try to control Facebook. All of it. As much as they can. They, we, will try to get on top, gain control of every conversation, every bit and byte, know everything that goes on, be aware of everything, channel energy into directing conversations and posts and you name it as much as we can, fight daily against the Lernean Hydra, so immense, and so plastic in its essence, that we are destined to lose, every time, always. You cannot control Facebook. Period. You cannot control what other people do, what they see, what they say, what they allow you to see… a control freak’s worst nightmare. Until we freaks do some therapy about it, and get this control issue out of the way, Facebook should be prohibited to us. It is a life-wrecker. And the funny thing is I’m not such a bad control freak… if only you knew my mother. And I know other freaks out there, far worse than me.

To psychologist, shrinks and other experts: I have very serious reasons to believe that the phenomenon of internet stalking is directly related to how much of a control freak the stalker is. Unless he’s a paedophile or other sort of criminal, of course. I mean in non-clinically abnormal people.

But personally, I’m out of it. And as I said to myself this morning, when I woke up after the first night ever that my partner and I didn’t sleep hugging each other, with eyes swollen as if I had been crying in my sleep: Live and let (sleeping dogs) lie.

Face No More

A brief post, just to say that I’ve deactivated my Facebook account. This is the second time I do this, and I will try to make this be the final time as well. I have noticed that when I am forced to do without, I am happier without it, more serene and calmer. And I focus on what goes on in my life instead of what appears on the newsfeed. Also, the time I spend for myself, gaming or otherwise, has more quality. I will miss some things, but it isn’t worth it. The people who want to contact me, will contact me, they will find a way. The rest, well, too bad for them. Sad, but true. I hope some do contact me.

I can’t waste my life on a lifedrain anymore. It takes everything and gives me nothing good in return. It has indeed gotten me in touch with some people, and that was good, but, even those people exist superficially in my life. I think the only thing I am actually grateful about is getting back in touch with my partner. If it wasn’t for FB, he would never have found me again. But I think it’s time to move on now. My life is at its lowest, and this “social” platform isn’t helping at all with quality. It’s unhealthy, stressful, and the information overload is unnecessary.

What less than I do now would I do if I didn’t know that they found a tiny bear roadkill in a protected area, or that some trucks ran over a 3-year-old in China, or the many ways by which Assad tortures children in Syria? What good does it do me to know all those things?

I know that if I leave it activated I will keep going back to it. I’ve become addicted. Not to the net, not to gaming, not to any of those things I had been contemplating all those years now. I’ve become addicted to an antagonistic, aggressive, frantic, useless (mis-) information rat-race. And it’s a vampiric relationship, feeding on my time, my very precious time and my energy, even more precious, given my condition.

I found that all my worst attributes become amplified by this thing. My aggression, my paranoia, my insecurities, my jealousy… yes, my jealousy towards my partner, you heard that right. I realized that I started thinking like a stalker. Checking his page, trying to find out every little thing he does, see if he cheats… this really isn’t the way. This isn’t the way a relationship goes forth, this isn’t the proper way to think, and I need to stop now, while the “stalking” is only a thought process, and does not become action. It’s not as if I can actually control whether or not he cheats or behaves like a fucking prick, because I can look at his Facebook page. If he wants to, he’ll do it anyway, and I won’t even know, one way or the other. He’s better off without me in there, and I’m better off out here without knowing what he does in there.

After all, I have lived most of my life without it, without friends who never call, without knowing things I have no business knowing. It’s not as if those things will disappear from the web magically when I quit FB, no, but they will not be hand-fed, no, scratch that, force-fed to me 24/7. I wish to never go back there, perhaps only to delete my son’s pictures from in there, which I might just do some time tonight, cause I didn’t think about that beforehand. Might not though, as the profile doesn’t even exist at all, so, they aren’t readily available anymore. Even better.

I need to live my life full, and not waste it. For my sake, for my son’s sake, and for my creativity’s sake. I will try to keep true to this, but it’s an addiction and it will be most difficult. I just wish I had someone to give some buff-up as needed, you know? But that’s no news either, I’ve never had support for anything from anyone in my entire life, except from a close friend from England. But he’s still in England, and I could use some support right here. I’ll live without. I must do this. I need to close this cycle and open a new one, better one.

I really am sorry to leave several people without saying a personal goodbye, but as I said; If anybody misses me, they’ll find a way to see if I’m still alive or dead. The sad part is that I know the vast majority never will. Some would say, there’s not much loss then, after all. Yes, but my inner self still needs some convincing.

Anyway, that’s the gist of it, I will be focusing more on posting here as well, maybe shorter and more frequent posts, if and as interesting or worrisome things become available. I will be playing my games, I will be reading my books, I will be doing my embroidery, and maybe, just maybe, I will take up new brushes and paints. Life is already looking up. The only problem is… I will need to come face to face with my loneliness. The hardest thing to do… wish me perseverance everyone. And whoever sees this, believe in me. I’ll be needing it.

On the downward slope again

Yeah I know, second post almost within the same week. Means things are pretty bad. I don’t know if things are pretty bad in real or I’m just looking at them wearing “pretty-bad” glasses. I know some things are objectively pretty bad, I’m still unemployed, I’m skint, and could use a job, would also be a factor to make my mood no end. But there are other things that I’m not so sure about. My relationship is one of them. I’m getting this feeling that even though things don’t seem to have changed, they somehow have. He is being very secretive, and very exclusive. He has set his facebook settings so that nobody can see what anyone else writes on his wall. He says he’s got nothing to hide. People who’ve got nothing to hide, don’t go to such lengths to hide it. And it’s as if he’s ashamed of me. He was at his best friend’s the other day, a person I also know, and when I asked him on the phone to say hello from me he refused. He doesn’t want people to know I exist in his life? [there shouldn't have been a question mark there, intended that as a full stop, but since it came out like this, it's ironic and I'm leaving it] On the other hand he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s got a relationship. Fact is, I’m not even part of his life… I don’t know his friends, I’ve never been to his place. And he says he doesn’t have feelings for me, maybe it’s time I took him at his word?

I wanted someone who would be proud to be with me. Who wouldn’t mind people knowing we’re together. Not someone who hides me like the embarrassing family secret. It’s his birthday today. We are planning to go to the movies… I made him a cake, one he’s been asking for for some time, bought him a present… and still I’m crying this morning, feeling rotten inside and lonely. I’m giving him almost all I am. There’s not much more, and the little there is I am keeping for myself. What more does he want? What more does it take to have a change of heart?

What am I saying, silly comment. If a man doesn’t love you from point 1 then he never will. And I should know. So, why am I still staying with him, being miserable? I don’t know. Maybe the reason why I shouldn’t hasn’t yet crystallized enough in my mind. I know I don’t deserve this. He isn’t un-nice. He is just… not there. Doesn’t exist. I want someone who will be happy to be with me, not just put up with me like an unavoidable chore. And someone who wouldn’t make me feel like a chore, most importantly… I know he’s nice. And he hasn’t actually done something bad. But he hasn’t actually done anything at all, see… it’s almost a year now, and I still don’t (aren’t allowed to) exist as far as his best friend is concerned. Why? I don’t know.

Well, happy birthday sweetie. I wish I was happy on your birthday.

Can I get away with blaming this on my M.S. too? After all it’s beginning of spring, everybody knows M.S. hits hard and fast mentally at this time of the year, and end of summer, so, can I pretend everything is fine and I’m just being like this because of my illness? Wouldn’t that be nice…

I think I’ll take the advice of my favourite song-writer again: “Do your best and don’t worry” …

With your standards so high

And your spirits so low

At least remember …

This is you on a bad day, you on a pale day